Welp, it's been awhile since my last post. I've been trying to ignore this whole dissociative business. It's become rather annoying at this point.
I don't even know where to begin - how I spent 5 years with a man and not remember almost 98% of it? Or how I spoke to a good friend 5 months ago and don't have any idea who they are or how our relationship even developed 8 years ago. I've noticed that it's become rather common for me to forget things, or people who I no longer have contact with.
It's hard to understand I get it, and the frustrations that these people feel because I don't remember them I cannot even fathom. I can only imagine rather live the frustrations that I feel. I WANT to know what happened but at the same time it is completely horrifying to even fathom the kind of things that happened to me.
It's frustrating to think that I have no idea what actually happened. I've spent a little over two years with a therapist that didn't really use or even attempt to use the lingo that is found within a dissociative disorder. Now, I am with a therapist that actually USES the lingo and she's saying things that are completely foreign to me. It's like I just got officially diagnosed all over again and so it's like I'm struggling with denial all over again.
No, no, lets not say denial because I know that I have this disorder, it's frustrating at times but feeling constantly more than what I am is incredibly uncomfortable. I don't even know how to describe it. It's suffocating. It's like I'm being surrounded constantly by another existence and I can't get out of it anymore than I can get out of a traffic fine. Sometimes, I find comfort in it, I guess now that i know what it is- it feels like I'm not so alone.
I understand with complete comprehension that I have family, that I have people who love and care about me; however, they will NEVER understand where I'm coming from. I can try to explain it in all the metaphors I know, I can try to make it more personal for them and explain it terms that they know, I can try to downplay it and totally ignore the entire situation. I will never be on the same terms that they're on. I will always be on the outside, and it's not their fault; I apparently put myself out a long time ago.
I don't understand how I am supposed to feel or even react to the things that my alters do. I don't understand how I am supposed to feel literally waking up to my hair being gone, or being in town at a ridiculous time of night with no solid excuse for being in a parking lot at a bank after hours without a debit card, nor a bank account for that matter.
And yet my therapist wants to tell me that I'm supposed to love them and care for them. It's not like I don't want to, but some of them are so terrorizing and the pain of my identity being stolen in an instant by something or someone - I don't even know what to call it at this point- that lives inside my own head. It doesn't make a lot of sense. A lot of people tell me well it doesn't have to be logical. But logically speaking, everything that makes sense IS logical. It's logical to say that 2+2 =4 or logical to say that in order for the TV to be turned on you need to press the power button.
Nothing about D.I.D. makes sense, nothing is logical. And well for a logical person or alter or host or whatever I am - That is extremely difficult for me to get my head around. My god how everything feels so unreal, everything seems so far away - like i'm totally untouchable. Depersonalizing at it's finest. One of the huge signs or whatever it's called symptoms I notice before and sometimes after I come back from losing time, or dissociating or something. I don't know how to get past all of this frustration, all of this crap to accept everything. To accept the trauma to accept the repeated trauma, to accept that it happened to me.
I'm not gonna lie, I legitemately thought that I grew up with rainbows and unicorns and dilly dallying around in a field full of dandelions. Yeah exactly how is that possible, that's not reality. That's not anywhere near reality. I don't remember being punished, I don't remember much of anything, I don't remember being taught anything.
Anyway, if any of the alters read this please sign names at the bottom so we know who said what. It would make my life 10x easier.
Amy AKA Host
