Welp, it's been awhile since my last post. I've been trying to ignore this whole dissociative business. It's become rather annoying at this point.
I don't even know where to begin - how I spent 5 years with a man and not remember almost 98% of it? Or how I spoke to a good friend 5 months ago and don't have any idea who they are or how our relationship even developed 8 years ago. I've noticed that it's become rather common for me to forget things, or people who I no longer have contact with.
It's hard to understand I get it, and the frustrations that these people feel because I don't remember them I cannot even fathom. I can only imagine rather live the frustrations that I feel. I WANT to know what happened but at the same time it is completely horrifying to even fathom the kind of things that happened to me.
It's frustrating to think that I have no idea what actually happened. I've spent a little over two years with a therapist that didn't really use or even attempt to use the lingo that is found within a dissociative disorder. Now, I am with a therapist that actually USES the lingo and she's saying things that are completely foreign to me. It's like I just got officially diagnosed all over again and so it's like I'm struggling with denial all over again.
No, no, lets not say denial because I know that I have this disorder, it's frustrating at times but feeling constantly more than what I am is incredibly uncomfortable. I don't even know how to describe it. It's suffocating. It's like I'm being surrounded constantly by another existence and I can't get out of it anymore than I can get out of a traffic fine. Sometimes, I find comfort in it, I guess now that i know what it is- it feels like I'm not so alone.
I understand with complete comprehension that I have family, that I have people who love and care about me; however, they will NEVER understand where I'm coming from. I can try to explain it in all the metaphors I know, I can try to make it more personal for them and explain it terms that they know, I can try to downplay it and totally ignore the entire situation. I will never be on the same terms that they're on. I will always be on the outside, and it's not their fault; I apparently put myself out a long time ago.
I don't understand how I am supposed to feel or even react to the things that my alters do. I don't understand how I am supposed to feel literally waking up to my hair being gone, or being in town at a ridiculous time of night with no solid excuse for being in a parking lot at a bank after hours without a debit card, nor a bank account for that matter.
And yet my therapist wants to tell me that I'm supposed to love them and care for them. It's not like I don't want to, but some of them are so terrorizing and the pain of my identity being stolen in an instant by something or someone - I don't even know what to call it at this point- that lives inside my own head. It doesn't make a lot of sense. A lot of people tell me well it doesn't have to be logical. But logically speaking, everything that makes sense IS logical. It's logical to say that 2+2 =4 or logical to say that in order for the TV to be turned on you need to press the power button.
Nothing about D.I.D. makes sense, nothing is logical. And well for a logical person or alter or host or whatever I am - That is extremely difficult for me to get my head around. My god how everything feels so unreal, everything seems so far away - like i'm totally untouchable. Depersonalizing at it's finest. One of the huge signs or whatever it's called symptoms I notice before and sometimes after I come back from losing time, or dissociating or something. I don't know how to get past all of this frustration, all of this crap to accept everything. To accept the trauma to accept the repeated trauma, to accept that it happened to me.
I'm not gonna lie, I legitemately thought that I grew up with rainbows and unicorns and dilly dallying around in a field full of dandelions. Yeah exactly how is that possible, that's not reality. That's not anywhere near reality. I don't remember being punished, I don't remember much of anything, I don't remember being taught anything.
Anyway, if any of the alters read this please sign names at the bottom so we know who said what. It would make my life 10x easier.
Amy AKA Host
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Today's Events
(So I'm gonna explain today's events... then express my feelings/opinions etc)
Alright so today started super early and it didn't really help that I had 3 hours of sleep. (Not complaining just stating facts.) First I threw myself into a panic attack over a rat.. Dissociated a bit, and was actually able to pull myself out of it which was kind of surprising and liberating all at the same time.
Anyway moving on my husband decided to go to a doctor considering he just started working a new job this week and is sick as a dog. I had a urology appointment this morning as well, and things kind of took an interesting turn.
Waited the time in the waiting room and pretty much after that it was pretty straight forward. They wanted a urine sample of course to check to see if my cultures were all squared away. Anyway, so we got into a conversation about what's going on with me and my body and came to the conclusion that my symptoms started literally a week and a half after the rape and came to the conclusion that the rape that occurred 5 years ago must have done some damage to some part of that area. So he ordered a cat scan to check for blockages and kidney stones etc. Also wanted to double check if my bladder emptied all the way which he said was fine after the sonogram. (I'm sure you all want to know this). Anyway, so cat scan, some other thing to check for scarring or any sort of damage that may have occurred 5 years ago.
So anyway that appointment was done and over with he put me on an antibiotic that he wants me taking daily. So now I'm on medication for my thyroid as well as an antibiotic for other things. So we went to Walmart to pick up our prescriptions, and had some lunch.. Came home and had time to pee before my ride showed up to bring me to my therapy appointment.
I didn't have time to even think before moving on to the next thing so I didn't dissociate before I got there. We went over some pretty interesting things today, mainly mindfulness which in terms of what we're working on it's more or less being present in this ONE moment kind of thing. She went into details such as "How does my arm feel on the couch?" "How does my legs feel on the couch" "How do my feet feel on the floor" Etc etc. She phrased it as some sort of grounding technique which will be quite useful with me considering grounding is not a part of my forte.
We talked about the three different minds people have... Like the emotional mind where of course everything is emotional, the logical mind is without emotion, and the "wise mind" is with both emotion and logic mixed together. We discussed my experiences with each mind, and she found it useful that I had experience with all three different minds.
We discussed I'm sure a lot of other things that I'm forgetting however this is what I pulled out of today's session. I did open up my blog to her (to look at later), to review some things that I've felt, something that she won't be able to see much in appointments unless I'm really dissociated.
There were some things in these appointments that kind of took me for a shock. Kind of getting an emotional response now considering how I'm almost in tears thinking about all of this. When I was with the urologist, he told me that all of the things that are going on with me that I came in concerned with could be connected with the rape considering how close it happened to the rape. This surprised me some and actually brought a flash back to a certain memory. All I remember saying to the investigator was "He fucked me hard, and until I was dry; then kept going" - So it would make perfect sense for it to connect to the rape. Which is still really hard for me to accept currently.
I can accept all day long that I was raped, whatever. It's fine no big deal, however it's one thing when 5 years later you're starting to realize the damage that it caused. Not only did it take away my motherhood, destroy my cervix, it could have very well destroyed something else as well. It's saddening to think so much was taken away from me. Especially when I can't remember the actual event or much following it. He told me with the antibiotics and cat scan etc etc that we can get things... sort of in fair condition again but he did say that it wasn't likely that I was able to get back to where I was beforehand.
Moving on before I get too emotional. So another moment that I took from today was in therapy. We were sitting in her office and talking about how our legs, hands arms fingers felt.. And she asked me how I usually feel when I do this.. I told her that I usually dissociate and explained to her how it always feels like someone's arms are around me, how I'm not really there anymore.
What she said surprised me... She told me that I may have not felt safe in my body before so it was always easier to dissociate. It just makes me think about all of things that could of happened that could of made me dissociate because I didn't feel safe in my own skin. And it's scary to think that these memories that my alters have shown me may have some truth behind them...
Alright so today started super early and it didn't really help that I had 3 hours of sleep. (Not complaining just stating facts.) First I threw myself into a panic attack over a rat.. Dissociated a bit, and was actually able to pull myself out of it which was kind of surprising and liberating all at the same time.
Anyway moving on my husband decided to go to a doctor considering he just started working a new job this week and is sick as a dog. I had a urology appointment this morning as well, and things kind of took an interesting turn.
Waited the time in the waiting room and pretty much after that it was pretty straight forward. They wanted a urine sample of course to check to see if my cultures were all squared away. Anyway, so we got into a conversation about what's going on with me and my body and came to the conclusion that my symptoms started literally a week and a half after the rape and came to the conclusion that the rape that occurred 5 years ago must have done some damage to some part of that area. So he ordered a cat scan to check for blockages and kidney stones etc. Also wanted to double check if my bladder emptied all the way which he said was fine after the sonogram. (I'm sure you all want to know this). Anyway, so cat scan, some other thing to check for scarring or any sort of damage that may have occurred 5 years ago.
So anyway that appointment was done and over with he put me on an antibiotic that he wants me taking daily. So now I'm on medication for my thyroid as well as an antibiotic for other things. So we went to Walmart to pick up our prescriptions, and had some lunch.. Came home and had time to pee before my ride showed up to bring me to my therapy appointment.
I didn't have time to even think before moving on to the next thing so I didn't dissociate before I got there. We went over some pretty interesting things today, mainly mindfulness which in terms of what we're working on it's more or less being present in this ONE moment kind of thing. She went into details such as "How does my arm feel on the couch?" "How does my legs feel on the couch" "How do my feet feel on the floor" Etc etc. She phrased it as some sort of grounding technique which will be quite useful with me considering grounding is not a part of my forte.
We talked about the three different minds people have... Like the emotional mind where of course everything is emotional, the logical mind is without emotion, and the "wise mind" is with both emotion and logic mixed together. We discussed my experiences with each mind, and she found it useful that I had experience with all three different minds.
We discussed I'm sure a lot of other things that I'm forgetting however this is what I pulled out of today's session. I did open up my blog to her (to look at later), to review some things that I've felt, something that she won't be able to see much in appointments unless I'm really dissociated.
There were some things in these appointments that kind of took me for a shock. Kind of getting an emotional response now considering how I'm almost in tears thinking about all of this. When I was with the urologist, he told me that all of the things that are going on with me that I came in concerned with could be connected with the rape considering how close it happened to the rape. This surprised me some and actually brought a flash back to a certain memory. All I remember saying to the investigator was "He fucked me hard, and until I was dry; then kept going" - So it would make perfect sense for it to connect to the rape. Which is still really hard for me to accept currently.
I can accept all day long that I was raped, whatever. It's fine no big deal, however it's one thing when 5 years later you're starting to realize the damage that it caused. Not only did it take away my motherhood, destroy my cervix, it could have very well destroyed something else as well. It's saddening to think so much was taken away from me. Especially when I can't remember the actual event or much following it. He told me with the antibiotics and cat scan etc etc that we can get things... sort of in fair condition again but he did say that it wasn't likely that I was able to get back to where I was beforehand.
Moving on before I get too emotional. So another moment that I took from today was in therapy. We were sitting in her office and talking about how our legs, hands arms fingers felt.. And she asked me how I usually feel when I do this.. I told her that I usually dissociate and explained to her how it always feels like someone's arms are around me, how I'm not really there anymore.
What she said surprised me... She told me that I may have not felt safe in my body before so it was always easier to dissociate. It just makes me think about all of things that could of happened that could of made me dissociate because I didn't feel safe in my own skin. And it's scary to think that these memories that my alters have shown me may have some truth behind them...
This Morning..
For the past week or so I've been able to actually say that I sleep during the night. So much for that. Eventually, I'll claim the night as my own again. I woke up as Remi, I can still her frail screams. She showed me a lot of things from her age. The last post I made, I was speaking for her, as she was walking me through the night she had.
I'm much calmer now.. I have no idea what woke me.. err her up. No idea whether it was a figment of my imagination or if she really heard the crunching of whatever the rat was in. Well.. Today started out shitty.
I have a doctors appointment in 4 hours that Charlie is taking me to. I'm really hoping it doesn't last forever as is it would be nice to relax before I have to go out again. I've been feeling super anxious about all of this. I know that it needs to happen but a part of me feels I'm not ready. But if I wasn't ready why do I have the feeling that it's going to happen anyway.
I have to travel out amongst the world on my own. Get in some random car with some random person to show up to this random place to talk to another random person. I've had 3 hours of sleep.. these are quite common... When I have things going on continuously I tend to have a lot of nightmares. I sat in the dark this morning and it really scared Remi. She hates the dark from what I've noticed, however she's the easiest alter to deal with, to tolerate and to control.
The others are quite rambunctious, and have their own set of qualities that I get to endure. I've been getting better at reminding myself or whoever is out to blog about these events. I need to keep track of them. I need to keep track of the times I lose.
Quite frankly, this mornings panic is already gone. I do not recall it happening. The only reason why I know it happened was because of the blog. I'm so nervous. Today is going to be hell... As well as tomorrow, and the day after.
I'm much calmer now.. I have no idea what woke me.. err her up. No idea whether it was a figment of my imagination or if she really heard the crunching of whatever the rat was in. Well.. Today started out shitty.
I have a doctors appointment in 4 hours that Charlie is taking me to. I'm really hoping it doesn't last forever as is it would be nice to relax before I have to go out again. I've been feeling super anxious about all of this. I know that it needs to happen but a part of me feels I'm not ready. But if I wasn't ready why do I have the feeling that it's going to happen anyway.
I have to travel out amongst the world on my own. Get in some random car with some random person to show up to this random place to talk to another random person. I've had 3 hours of sleep.. these are quite common... When I have things going on continuously I tend to have a lot of nightmares. I sat in the dark this morning and it really scared Remi. She hates the dark from what I've noticed, however she's the easiest alter to deal with, to tolerate and to control.
The others are quite rambunctious, and have their own set of qualities that I get to endure. I've been getting better at reminding myself or whoever is out to blog about these events. I need to keep track of them. I need to keep track of the times I lose.
Quite frankly, this mornings panic is already gone. I do not recall it happening. The only reason why I know it happened was because of the blog. I'm so nervous. Today is going to be hell... As well as tomorrow, and the day after.
Dead of the Night
Slightest crunchy noise awakens me. A feeling of horror overwhelms my body.. I scream out.. It's Cooper... Him and his little rat feet who's come back to haunt my days of existing. The cold sends a shiver through my bones. My breaths become shorter and shorter, hyperventilation at it's finest. Tears fall down my eyes as my mind is invaded by memories.
I lay as my body begins to tremble. I'm weaker than this.. Anger flushes through me.. A rat.. with his little rat feet controls me with his every move. *Crunch* *Crinkle* I hear again. I sit here whimpering. I can hear someone say "Run away little girl, run away"
Fetal position now, screamin', trembling, tears streaming. I can see them.. All of them. The rats, hidden away within the basement, within the walls, within the trash, within our cupboards, they are.. quite literally every where. Still screaming, the corner becomes my safe haven. I can hear them.. all of them and their little rat feet scurrying through the walls behind me.
The room feels cold, lifeless even. The rats saying they'll keep quiet and we won't even know they're here. But I know.. I've seen them... I can hear them... All their little rat feet. The couch is bitten through with their little rat teeth. The house infiltrated with rat droppings. Their markings they leave every where. How can something so small be so bothersome.
Up the stairs I run to escape the noise. I see one escape through my peripheral. They're last stand has been made in this house. I cannot elude them, I cannot get away. I will be trampled, eaten alive, with them they take my existence.
I scream out again. One just ran across my toes.. I felt his fur... A feeling of a spider web encasing my body comes over me. I squirm, I jump, I scream, I squeal in terror.. I cannot simply go back to sleep, with them plotting against me.
I sit down, and sway back and forth wiping tears away from my eyes. It's the dead of the night, darkness summons them. They're quiet when the sun is shining, but as soon as that sun replaces itself with the moon.. they charge at me... They charge at my possessions, at this very place I call home. They eat the walls, if they had control of us long enough they'll eat this place to the ground.
Make it stop... Make it stop... For the love of god make it stop!... Where do I run.. Where do I run.... I'm inside this house that these little creatures have trespassed against. I no longer feel safe... secure... I think that ended awhile ago...
Another day gone... Another day gone.... Another day gone... I'm ok... I'm ok... I'm ok..
I lay as my body begins to tremble. I'm weaker than this.. Anger flushes through me.. A rat.. with his little rat feet controls me with his every move. *Crunch* *Crinkle* I hear again. I sit here whimpering. I can hear someone say "Run away little girl, run away"
Fetal position now, screamin', trembling, tears streaming. I can see them.. All of them. The rats, hidden away within the basement, within the walls, within the trash, within our cupboards, they are.. quite literally every where. Still screaming, the corner becomes my safe haven. I can hear them.. all of them and their little rat feet scurrying through the walls behind me.
The room feels cold, lifeless even. The rats saying they'll keep quiet and we won't even know they're here. But I know.. I've seen them... I can hear them... All their little rat feet. The couch is bitten through with their little rat teeth. The house infiltrated with rat droppings. Their markings they leave every where. How can something so small be so bothersome.
Up the stairs I run to escape the noise. I see one escape through my peripheral. They're last stand has been made in this house. I cannot elude them, I cannot get away. I will be trampled, eaten alive, with them they take my existence.
I scream out again. One just ran across my toes.. I felt his fur... A feeling of a spider web encasing my body comes over me. I squirm, I jump, I scream, I squeal in terror.. I cannot simply go back to sleep, with them plotting against me.
I sit down, and sway back and forth wiping tears away from my eyes. It's the dead of the night, darkness summons them. They're quiet when the sun is shining, but as soon as that sun replaces itself with the moon.. they charge at me... They charge at my possessions, at this very place I call home. They eat the walls, if they had control of us long enough they'll eat this place to the ground.
Make it stop... Make it stop... For the love of god make it stop!... Where do I run.. Where do I run.... I'm inside this house that these little creatures have trespassed against. I no longer feel safe... secure... I think that ended awhile ago...
Another day gone... Another day gone.... Another day gone... I'm ok... I'm ok... I'm ok..
Monday, October 19, 2015
Lab Results
Welp, I just got my labs back from my primary doctor. Apparently my cholesterol is really high, thyroid is suppressed, and my vitamin D3 levels are super low ( I hate milk lol). Regardless. I am being prescribed a medication for my thyroid and my vitaman D3 deficiency. My wonderful doctor told me that my cholesterol levels could be tied in with my thyroid function, so she told me to hold off on attempting medication, and see if the medication for my thyroid will get it lowered. She said in about a year, we will check it again and by then if it hasn't gone down we will need to go the medication route. I've been extremely nervous getting all of this stuff done. People with higher cholesterol are obviously more prone to heart attack or stroke and I would hate to have one at the age of 25.
I feel good knowing that I'm getting these things done but it frustrates me knowing why I've waited til the age of 25 to get all of this done. I grew up in a home where I ate what I ate because there was nothing else to eat; now I'm fighting with myself to eat the same thing that helps me get better. Now I need to start looking for healthier recipes to make at home cholesterol friendly obviously.
I feel like I'm blaming my childhood for everything and granted I understand that I could of done some research and everything however I never knew any of this existed. I never grew up knowing about credit, I only know about it now because bills are being sent to collections left and right. I grew up not knowing what cholesterol was, or thyroid function, or even the basic necessity of brushing your teeth. I am correcting and rewiring my brain rather attempting to rid the course of my life.
It makes me angry to think that there's so many things impacting my health right now that I never knew or was educated about. I was extremely dissociated in school so I do not remember any of this in health class.
Meanwhile, while I am typing this up, I am on google researching the bad cholesterol and what not to eat etc etc.. Well so far, beef is out completely. I can't have fried chicken, or ice cream, or this or that. Fruit... Vegetables I can have, gold fish are out.. I'm gonna finish this pack though lol. Not wasting the 8 dollars we spent on this.
This is going to be so frustrating because this is totally going to fuck with my mental health. My alters absolutely HATE anything not fatty, not covered in unhealthiness. I NEED to get healthy.. I WANT to get healthy. Period. I have to.. if I'm going to survive.
I feel good knowing that I'm getting these things done but it frustrates me knowing why I've waited til the age of 25 to get all of this done. I grew up in a home where I ate what I ate because there was nothing else to eat; now I'm fighting with myself to eat the same thing that helps me get better. Now I need to start looking for healthier recipes to make at home cholesterol friendly obviously.
I feel like I'm blaming my childhood for everything and granted I understand that I could of done some research and everything however I never knew any of this existed. I never grew up knowing about credit, I only know about it now because bills are being sent to collections left and right. I grew up not knowing what cholesterol was, or thyroid function, or even the basic necessity of brushing your teeth. I am correcting and rewiring my brain rather attempting to rid the course of my life.
It makes me angry to think that there's so many things impacting my health right now that I never knew or was educated about. I was extremely dissociated in school so I do not remember any of this in health class.
Meanwhile, while I am typing this up, I am on google researching the bad cholesterol and what not to eat etc etc.. Well so far, beef is out completely. I can't have fried chicken, or ice cream, or this or that. Fruit... Vegetables I can have, gold fish are out.. I'm gonna finish this pack though lol. Not wasting the 8 dollars we spent on this.
This is going to be so frustrating because this is totally going to fuck with my mental health. My alters absolutely HATE anything not fatty, not covered in unhealthiness. I NEED to get healthy.. I WANT to get healthy. Period. I have to.. if I'm going to survive.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
I feel guilty..
So tomorrow will mark the first day of my husband's new job. He's going out into the world and socializing with clients, and staff while I'm stuck at home in my box, where there's no one around for miles. I feel I've been dissociating a lot lately, and losing a lot of time due to Charlie's intended absence.
I understand that at one point he was working and I was not and I'm still here so I obviously made it out okay, but I know that I'm prone to dissociating a lot more by myself. I feel guilty because he has a mentally disabled person to call his wife.
I feel guilty because I can't just go out and get a job, that I'm not bringing anything financially into this household. I feel guilty because yet again I get to sit and watch myself wither away for some unknown reason. Although now, it is a little more known than before. I feel guilty because he loves working with the elderly who are disabled in any way shape or form, and so he does, and then he comes home to me. A hot steaming pile of disabled-ness that's just... not okay with leaving the house by herself.
I feel guilty because naturally the roles switch from both of us cleaning and cooking to me just cleaning and cooking while the man goes out to work. Which is fine.. If the woman was capable of actually cleaning and cooking.. Some days I feel capable and Jaden is out a lot more when I am in higher spirits.
However, considering the fact that my alters are 8/11 debbie downers. A person that is optimistic and happy, doesn't generally want to be around someone that's completely miserable. So why would my positive alters come around more when I have a lot of negative people out controlling my every move.
I also feel guilty because of course more often than not I am unable to eat on my own. I won't cook my own meals, not because we have no food because we have a lot of food, I just won't eat because I already had that this week, or I can't bring myself to do the dishes, I can't manage myself. Which means someone else has to pick up the slack *hint* hint* my husband.
I feel guilty because currently he's doing the dishes and cooking me dinner while I'm sitting here attempting to get a sane mind. I understand how nervous he must be due to the new job and everything in fact I know he is because he told me.
This week ... is going to be insane. I have been dissociating more often in the last week than I have been in the last month compared. This week I have to take a taxi to all 3 of my appointments this week. Two of them is for therapy and another one is for something else. My husband is working pretty much 9-5 all week, so he can't take me. I have to leave the house all by myself, get into some random car with some random person who is taking me to this appointment and then taking me back home afterwards. I swear to god, I am freaking out so much about these appointments.. In the past two years I have rarely left the house on my own. It's very scary for me to do.
I just - Austra's showin' up more tonight than anything else. I can feel her here, wanting to die, wanting to hurt herself.. Wanting to feel pitiful and dark and depressed. Granted, it's not negative for her, it is just for me. She loves this kind of emotion so much so that it's all she ever feels. At least from what I've read in my physical journal.
There's just so much going on right now.. It's hard to imagine how I'm going to deal with this. With all the stress. Like... what is this crap... I'm just done with it..
Really thinking that two appointments a week aren't enough. Then again haven't even tried it yet. But why am I attempting to bail out even before it started? God this is frustrating. I want help, I want to get better, but I just don't see that happening.
I can't handle this stress, I can't handle Charlie going back to work, and I can't handle going to 3 appointments this week BY MYSELF.. I can't ... I just i can't.
I understand that at one point he was working and I was not and I'm still here so I obviously made it out okay, but I know that I'm prone to dissociating a lot more by myself. I feel guilty because he has a mentally disabled person to call his wife.
I feel guilty because I can't just go out and get a job, that I'm not bringing anything financially into this household. I feel guilty because yet again I get to sit and watch myself wither away for some unknown reason. Although now, it is a little more known than before. I feel guilty because he loves working with the elderly who are disabled in any way shape or form, and so he does, and then he comes home to me. A hot steaming pile of disabled-ness that's just... not okay with leaving the house by herself.
I feel guilty because naturally the roles switch from both of us cleaning and cooking to me just cleaning and cooking while the man goes out to work. Which is fine.. If the woman was capable of actually cleaning and cooking.. Some days I feel capable and Jaden is out a lot more when I am in higher spirits.
However, considering the fact that my alters are 8/11 debbie downers. A person that is optimistic and happy, doesn't generally want to be around someone that's completely miserable. So why would my positive alters come around more when I have a lot of negative people out controlling my every move.
I also feel guilty because of course more often than not I am unable to eat on my own. I won't cook my own meals, not because we have no food because we have a lot of food, I just won't eat because I already had that this week, or I can't bring myself to do the dishes, I can't manage myself. Which means someone else has to pick up the slack *hint* hint* my husband.
I feel guilty because currently he's doing the dishes and cooking me dinner while I'm sitting here attempting to get a sane mind. I understand how nervous he must be due to the new job and everything in fact I know he is because he told me.
This week ... is going to be insane. I have been dissociating more often in the last week than I have been in the last month compared. This week I have to take a taxi to all 3 of my appointments this week. Two of them is for therapy and another one is for something else. My husband is working pretty much 9-5 all week, so he can't take me. I have to leave the house all by myself, get into some random car with some random person who is taking me to this appointment and then taking me back home afterwards. I swear to god, I am freaking out so much about these appointments.. In the past two years I have rarely left the house on my own. It's very scary for me to do.
I just - Austra's showin' up more tonight than anything else. I can feel her here, wanting to die, wanting to hurt herself.. Wanting to feel pitiful and dark and depressed. Granted, it's not negative for her, it is just for me. She loves this kind of emotion so much so that it's all she ever feels. At least from what I've read in my physical journal.
There's just so much going on right now.. It's hard to imagine how I'm going to deal with this. With all the stress. Like... what is this crap... I'm just done with it..
Really thinking that two appointments a week aren't enough. Then again haven't even tried it yet. But why am I attempting to bail out even before it started? God this is frustrating. I want help, I want to get better, but I just don't see that happening.
I can't handle this stress, I can't handle Charlie going back to work, and I can't handle going to 3 appointments this week BY MYSELF.. I can't ... I just i can't.
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