Today's Events

(So I'm gonna explain today's events... then express my feelings/opinions etc)

Alright so today started super early and it didn't really help that I had 3 hours of sleep. (Not complaining just stating facts.) First I threw myself into a panic attack over a rat.. Dissociated a bit, and was actually able to pull myself out of it which was kind of surprising and liberating all at the same time.

Anyway moving on my husband decided to go to a doctor considering he just started working a new job this week and is sick as a dog. I had a urology appointment this morning as well, and things kind of took an interesting turn.

Waited the time in the waiting room and pretty much after that it was pretty straight forward. They wanted a urine sample of course to check to see if my cultures were all squared away. Anyway, so we got into a conversation about what's going on with me and my body and came to the conclusion that my symptoms started literally a week and a half after the rape and came to the conclusion that the rape that occurred 5 years ago must have done some damage to some part of that area. So he ordered a cat scan to check for blockages and kidney stones etc. Also wanted to double check if my bladder emptied all the way which he said was fine after the sonogram. (I'm sure you all want to know this). Anyway, so cat scan, some other thing to check for scarring or any sort of damage that may have occurred 5 years ago.

So anyway that appointment was done and over with he put me on an antibiotic that he wants me taking daily. So now I'm on medication for my thyroid as well as  an antibiotic for other things. So we went to Walmart to pick up our prescriptions, and had some lunch.. Came home and had time to pee before my ride showed up to bring me to my therapy appointment.

I didn't have time to even think before moving on to the next thing so I didn't dissociate before I got there. We went over some pretty interesting things today, mainly mindfulness which in terms of what we're working on it's more or less being present in this ONE moment kind of thing. She went into details such as "How does my arm feel on the couch?" "How does my legs feel on the couch" "How do my feet feel on the floor" Etc etc. She phrased it as some sort of grounding technique which will be quite useful with me considering grounding is not a part of my forte.

We talked about the three different minds people have... Like the emotional mind where of course everything is emotional, the logical mind is without emotion, and the "wise mind" is with both emotion and logic mixed together. We discussed my experiences with each mind, and she found it useful that I had experience with all three different minds.

We discussed I'm sure a lot of other things that I'm forgetting however this is what I pulled out of today's session. I did open up my blog to her (to look at later), to review some things that I've felt, something that she won't be able to see much in appointments unless I'm really dissociated.

There were some things in these appointments that kind of took me for a shock. Kind of getting an emotional response now considering how I'm almost in tears thinking about all of this. When I was with the urologist, he told me that all of the things that are going on with me that I came in concerned with could be connected with the rape considering how close it happened to the rape. This surprised me some and actually brought a flash back to a certain memory. All I remember saying to the investigator was "He fucked me hard, and until I was dry; then kept going" - So it would make perfect sense for it to connect to the rape. Which is still really hard for me to accept currently.

I can accept all day long that I was raped, whatever. It's fine no big deal, however it's one thing when 5 years later you're starting to realize the damage that it caused. Not only did it take away my motherhood, destroy my cervix, it could have very well destroyed something else as well. It's saddening to think so much was taken away from me. Especially when I can't remember the actual event or much following it. He told me with the antibiotics and cat scan etc etc that we can get things... sort of in fair condition again but he did say that it wasn't likely that I was able to get back to where I was beforehand.

Moving on before I get too emotional. So another moment that I took from today was in therapy. We were sitting in her office and talking about how our legs, hands arms fingers felt.. And she asked me how I usually feel when I do this.. I told her that I usually dissociate and explained to her how it always feels like someone's arms are around me, how I'm not really there anymore.

What she said surprised me... She told me that I may have not felt safe in my body before so it was always easier to dissociate. It just makes me think about all of things that could of happened that could of made me dissociate because I didn't feel safe in my own skin. And it's scary to think that these memories that my alters have shown me may have some truth behind them...