I feel guilty..

So tomorrow will mark the first day of my husband's new job. He's going out into the world and socializing with clients, and staff while I'm stuck at home in my box, where there's no one around for miles. I feel I've been dissociating a lot lately, and losing a lot of time due to Charlie's intended absence.

I understand that at one point he was working and I was not and I'm still here so I obviously made it out okay, but I know that I'm prone to dissociating a lot more by myself. I feel guilty because he has a mentally disabled person to call his wife.

I feel guilty because I can't just go out and get a job, that I'm not bringing anything financially into this household. I feel guilty because yet again I get to sit and watch myself wither away for some unknown reason. Although now, it is a little more known than before. I feel guilty because he loves working with the elderly who are disabled in any way shape or form, and so he does, and then he comes home to me. A hot steaming pile of disabled-ness that's just... not okay with leaving the house by herself.

I feel guilty because naturally the roles switch from both of us cleaning and cooking to me just cleaning and cooking while the man goes out to work. Which is fine.. If the woman was capable of actually cleaning and cooking.. Some days I feel capable and Jaden is out a lot more when I am in higher spirits.

However, considering the fact that my alters are 8/11 debbie downers. A person that is optimistic and happy, doesn't generally want to be around someone that's completely miserable. So why would my positive alters come around more when I have a lot of negative people out controlling my every move.

I also feel guilty because of course more often than not I am unable to eat on my own. I won't cook my own meals, not because we have no food because we have a lot of food, I just won't eat because I already had that this week, or I can't bring myself to do the dishes, I can't manage myself. Which means someone else has to pick up the slack *hint* hint* my husband.

I feel guilty because currently he's doing the dishes and cooking me dinner while I'm sitting here attempting to get a sane mind. I understand how nervous he must be due to the new job and everything in fact I know he is because he told me.

This week ... is going to be insane. I have been dissociating more often in the last week than I have been in the last month compared. This week I have to take a taxi to all 3 of my appointments this week. Two of them is for therapy and another one is for something else. My husband is working pretty much 9-5 all week, so he can't take me. I have to leave the house all by myself, get into some random car with some random person who is taking me to this appointment and then taking me back home afterwards. I swear to god, I am freaking out so much about these appointments.. In the past two years I have rarely left the house on my own. It's very scary for me to do.

I just - Austra's showin' up more tonight than anything else. I can feel her here, wanting to die, wanting to hurt herself.. Wanting to feel pitiful and dark and depressed. Granted, it's not negative for her, it is just for me. She loves this kind of emotion so much so that it's all she ever feels. At least from what I've read in my physical journal.

There's just so much going on right now.. It's hard to imagine how I'm going to deal with this. With all the stress. Like... what is this crap... I'm just done with it..

Really thinking that two appointments a week aren't enough. Then again haven't even tried it yet. But why am I attempting to bail out even before it started? God this is frustrating. I want help, I want to get better, but I just don't see that happening.

I can't handle this stress, I can't handle Charlie going back to work, and I can't handle going to 3 appointments this week BY MYSELF.. I can't ... I just i can't.