Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Today's Events
(So I'm gonna explain today's events... then express my feelings/opinions etc)
Alright so today started super early and it didn't really help that I had 3 hours of sleep. (Not complaining just stating facts.) First I threw myself into a panic attack over a rat.. Dissociated a bit, and was actually able to pull myself out of it which was kind of surprising and liberating all at the same time.
Anyway moving on my husband decided to go to a doctor considering he just started working a new job this week and is sick as a dog. I had a urology appointment this morning as well, and things kind of took an interesting turn.
Waited the time in the waiting room and pretty much after that it was pretty straight forward. They wanted a urine sample of course to check to see if my cultures were all squared away. Anyway, so we got into a conversation about what's going on with me and my body and came to the conclusion that my symptoms started literally a week and a half after the rape and came to the conclusion that the rape that occurred 5 years ago must have done some damage to some part of that area. So he ordered a cat scan to check for blockages and kidney stones etc. Also wanted to double check if my bladder emptied all the way which he said was fine after the sonogram. (I'm sure you all want to know this). Anyway, so cat scan, some other thing to check for scarring or any sort of damage that may have occurred 5 years ago.
So anyway that appointment was done and over with he put me on an antibiotic that he wants me taking daily. So now I'm on medication for my thyroid as well as an antibiotic for other things. So we went to Walmart to pick up our prescriptions, and had some lunch.. Came home and had time to pee before my ride showed up to bring me to my therapy appointment.
I didn't have time to even think before moving on to the next thing so I didn't dissociate before I got there. We went over some pretty interesting things today, mainly mindfulness which in terms of what we're working on it's more or less being present in this ONE moment kind of thing. She went into details such as "How does my arm feel on the couch?" "How does my legs feel on the couch" "How do my feet feel on the floor" Etc etc. She phrased it as some sort of grounding technique which will be quite useful with me considering grounding is not a part of my forte.
We talked about the three different minds people have... Like the emotional mind where of course everything is emotional, the logical mind is without emotion, and the "wise mind" is with both emotion and logic mixed together. We discussed my experiences with each mind, and she found it useful that I had experience with all three different minds.
We discussed I'm sure a lot of other things that I'm forgetting however this is what I pulled out of today's session. I did open up my blog to her (to look at later), to review some things that I've felt, something that she won't be able to see much in appointments unless I'm really dissociated.
There were some things in these appointments that kind of took me for a shock. Kind of getting an emotional response now considering how I'm almost in tears thinking about all of this. When I was with the urologist, he told me that all of the things that are going on with me that I came in concerned with could be connected with the rape considering how close it happened to the rape. This surprised me some and actually brought a flash back to a certain memory. All I remember saying to the investigator was "He fucked me hard, and until I was dry; then kept going" - So it would make perfect sense for it to connect to the rape. Which is still really hard for me to accept currently.
I can accept all day long that I was raped, whatever. It's fine no big deal, however it's one thing when 5 years later you're starting to realize the damage that it caused. Not only did it take away my motherhood, destroy my cervix, it could have very well destroyed something else as well. It's saddening to think so much was taken away from me. Especially when I can't remember the actual event or much following it. He told me with the antibiotics and cat scan etc etc that we can get things... sort of in fair condition again but he did say that it wasn't likely that I was able to get back to where I was beforehand.
Moving on before I get too emotional. So another moment that I took from today was in therapy. We were sitting in her office and talking about how our legs, hands arms fingers felt.. And she asked me how I usually feel when I do this.. I told her that I usually dissociate and explained to her how it always feels like someone's arms are around me, how I'm not really there anymore.
What she said surprised me... She told me that I may have not felt safe in my body before so it was always easier to dissociate. It just makes me think about all of things that could of happened that could of made me dissociate because I didn't feel safe in my own skin. And it's scary to think that these memories that my alters have shown me may have some truth behind them...
Alright so today started super early and it didn't really help that I had 3 hours of sleep. (Not complaining just stating facts.) First I threw myself into a panic attack over a rat.. Dissociated a bit, and was actually able to pull myself out of it which was kind of surprising and liberating all at the same time.
Anyway moving on my husband decided to go to a doctor considering he just started working a new job this week and is sick as a dog. I had a urology appointment this morning as well, and things kind of took an interesting turn.
Waited the time in the waiting room and pretty much after that it was pretty straight forward. They wanted a urine sample of course to check to see if my cultures were all squared away. Anyway, so we got into a conversation about what's going on with me and my body and came to the conclusion that my symptoms started literally a week and a half after the rape and came to the conclusion that the rape that occurred 5 years ago must have done some damage to some part of that area. So he ordered a cat scan to check for blockages and kidney stones etc. Also wanted to double check if my bladder emptied all the way which he said was fine after the sonogram. (I'm sure you all want to know this). Anyway, so cat scan, some other thing to check for scarring or any sort of damage that may have occurred 5 years ago.
So anyway that appointment was done and over with he put me on an antibiotic that he wants me taking daily. So now I'm on medication for my thyroid as well as an antibiotic for other things. So we went to Walmart to pick up our prescriptions, and had some lunch.. Came home and had time to pee before my ride showed up to bring me to my therapy appointment.
I didn't have time to even think before moving on to the next thing so I didn't dissociate before I got there. We went over some pretty interesting things today, mainly mindfulness which in terms of what we're working on it's more or less being present in this ONE moment kind of thing. She went into details such as "How does my arm feel on the couch?" "How does my legs feel on the couch" "How do my feet feel on the floor" Etc etc. She phrased it as some sort of grounding technique which will be quite useful with me considering grounding is not a part of my forte.
We talked about the three different minds people have... Like the emotional mind where of course everything is emotional, the logical mind is without emotion, and the "wise mind" is with both emotion and logic mixed together. We discussed my experiences with each mind, and she found it useful that I had experience with all three different minds.
We discussed I'm sure a lot of other things that I'm forgetting however this is what I pulled out of today's session. I did open up my blog to her (to look at later), to review some things that I've felt, something that she won't be able to see much in appointments unless I'm really dissociated.
There were some things in these appointments that kind of took me for a shock. Kind of getting an emotional response now considering how I'm almost in tears thinking about all of this. When I was with the urologist, he told me that all of the things that are going on with me that I came in concerned with could be connected with the rape considering how close it happened to the rape. This surprised me some and actually brought a flash back to a certain memory. All I remember saying to the investigator was "He fucked me hard, and until I was dry; then kept going" - So it would make perfect sense for it to connect to the rape. Which is still really hard for me to accept currently.
I can accept all day long that I was raped, whatever. It's fine no big deal, however it's one thing when 5 years later you're starting to realize the damage that it caused. Not only did it take away my motherhood, destroy my cervix, it could have very well destroyed something else as well. It's saddening to think so much was taken away from me. Especially when I can't remember the actual event or much following it. He told me with the antibiotics and cat scan etc etc that we can get things... sort of in fair condition again but he did say that it wasn't likely that I was able to get back to where I was beforehand.
Moving on before I get too emotional. So another moment that I took from today was in therapy. We were sitting in her office and talking about how our legs, hands arms fingers felt.. And she asked me how I usually feel when I do this.. I told her that I usually dissociate and explained to her how it always feels like someone's arms are around me, how I'm not really there anymore.
What she said surprised me... She told me that I may have not felt safe in my body before so it was always easier to dissociate. It just makes me think about all of things that could of happened that could of made me dissociate because I didn't feel safe in my own skin. And it's scary to think that these memories that my alters have shown me may have some truth behind them...
This Morning..
For the past week or so I've been able to actually say that I sleep during the night. So much for that. Eventually, I'll claim the night as my own again. I woke up as Remi, I can still her frail screams. She showed me a lot of things from her age. The last post I made, I was speaking for her, as she was walking me through the night she had.
I'm much calmer now.. I have no idea what woke me.. err her up. No idea whether it was a figment of my imagination or if she really heard the crunching of whatever the rat was in. Well.. Today started out shitty.
I have a doctors appointment in 4 hours that Charlie is taking me to. I'm really hoping it doesn't last forever as is it would be nice to relax before I have to go out again. I've been feeling super anxious about all of this. I know that it needs to happen but a part of me feels I'm not ready. But if I wasn't ready why do I have the feeling that it's going to happen anyway.
I have to travel out amongst the world on my own. Get in some random car with some random person to show up to this random place to talk to another random person. I've had 3 hours of sleep.. these are quite common... When I have things going on continuously I tend to have a lot of nightmares. I sat in the dark this morning and it really scared Remi. She hates the dark from what I've noticed, however she's the easiest alter to deal with, to tolerate and to control.
The others are quite rambunctious, and have their own set of qualities that I get to endure. I've been getting better at reminding myself or whoever is out to blog about these events. I need to keep track of them. I need to keep track of the times I lose.
Quite frankly, this mornings panic is already gone. I do not recall it happening. The only reason why I know it happened was because of the blog. I'm so nervous. Today is going to be hell... As well as tomorrow, and the day after.
I'm much calmer now.. I have no idea what woke me.. err her up. No idea whether it was a figment of my imagination or if she really heard the crunching of whatever the rat was in. Well.. Today started out shitty.
I have a doctors appointment in 4 hours that Charlie is taking me to. I'm really hoping it doesn't last forever as is it would be nice to relax before I have to go out again. I've been feeling super anxious about all of this. I know that it needs to happen but a part of me feels I'm not ready. But if I wasn't ready why do I have the feeling that it's going to happen anyway.
I have to travel out amongst the world on my own. Get in some random car with some random person to show up to this random place to talk to another random person. I've had 3 hours of sleep.. these are quite common... When I have things going on continuously I tend to have a lot of nightmares. I sat in the dark this morning and it really scared Remi. She hates the dark from what I've noticed, however she's the easiest alter to deal with, to tolerate and to control.
The others are quite rambunctious, and have their own set of qualities that I get to endure. I've been getting better at reminding myself or whoever is out to blog about these events. I need to keep track of them. I need to keep track of the times I lose.
Quite frankly, this mornings panic is already gone. I do not recall it happening. The only reason why I know it happened was because of the blog. I'm so nervous. Today is going to be hell... As well as tomorrow, and the day after.
Dead of the Night
Slightest crunchy noise awakens me. A feeling of horror overwhelms my body.. I scream out.. It's Cooper... Him and his little rat feet who's come back to haunt my days of existing. The cold sends a shiver through my bones. My breaths become shorter and shorter, hyperventilation at it's finest. Tears fall down my eyes as my mind is invaded by memories.
I lay as my body begins to tremble. I'm weaker than this.. Anger flushes through me.. A rat.. with his little rat feet controls me with his every move. *Crunch* *Crinkle* I hear again. I sit here whimpering. I can hear someone say "Run away little girl, run away"
Fetal position now, screamin', trembling, tears streaming. I can see them.. All of them. The rats, hidden away within the basement, within the walls, within the trash, within our cupboards, they are.. quite literally every where. Still screaming, the corner becomes my safe haven. I can hear them.. all of them and their little rat feet scurrying through the walls behind me.
The room feels cold, lifeless even. The rats saying they'll keep quiet and we won't even know they're here. But I know.. I've seen them... I can hear them... All their little rat feet. The couch is bitten through with their little rat teeth. The house infiltrated with rat droppings. Their markings they leave every where. How can something so small be so bothersome.
Up the stairs I run to escape the noise. I see one escape through my peripheral. They're last stand has been made in this house. I cannot elude them, I cannot get away. I will be trampled, eaten alive, with them they take my existence.
I scream out again. One just ran across my toes.. I felt his fur... A feeling of a spider web encasing my body comes over me. I squirm, I jump, I scream, I squeal in terror.. I cannot simply go back to sleep, with them plotting against me.
I sit down, and sway back and forth wiping tears away from my eyes. It's the dead of the night, darkness summons them. They're quiet when the sun is shining, but as soon as that sun replaces itself with the moon.. they charge at me... They charge at my possessions, at this very place I call home. They eat the walls, if they had control of us long enough they'll eat this place to the ground.
Make it stop... Make it stop... For the love of god make it stop!... Where do I run.. Where do I run.... I'm inside this house that these little creatures have trespassed against. I no longer feel safe... secure... I think that ended awhile ago...
Another day gone... Another day gone.... Another day gone... I'm ok... I'm ok... I'm ok..
I lay as my body begins to tremble. I'm weaker than this.. Anger flushes through me.. A rat.. with his little rat feet controls me with his every move. *Crunch* *Crinkle* I hear again. I sit here whimpering. I can hear someone say "Run away little girl, run away"
Fetal position now, screamin', trembling, tears streaming. I can see them.. All of them. The rats, hidden away within the basement, within the walls, within the trash, within our cupboards, they are.. quite literally every where. Still screaming, the corner becomes my safe haven. I can hear them.. all of them and their little rat feet scurrying through the walls behind me.
The room feels cold, lifeless even. The rats saying they'll keep quiet and we won't even know they're here. But I know.. I've seen them... I can hear them... All their little rat feet. The couch is bitten through with their little rat teeth. The house infiltrated with rat droppings. Their markings they leave every where. How can something so small be so bothersome.
Up the stairs I run to escape the noise. I see one escape through my peripheral. They're last stand has been made in this house. I cannot elude them, I cannot get away. I will be trampled, eaten alive, with them they take my existence.
I scream out again. One just ran across my toes.. I felt his fur... A feeling of a spider web encasing my body comes over me. I squirm, I jump, I scream, I squeal in terror.. I cannot simply go back to sleep, with them plotting against me.
I sit down, and sway back and forth wiping tears away from my eyes. It's the dead of the night, darkness summons them. They're quiet when the sun is shining, but as soon as that sun replaces itself with the moon.. they charge at me... They charge at my possessions, at this very place I call home. They eat the walls, if they had control of us long enough they'll eat this place to the ground.
Make it stop... Make it stop... For the love of god make it stop!... Where do I run.. Where do I run.... I'm inside this house that these little creatures have trespassed against. I no longer feel safe... secure... I think that ended awhile ago...
Another day gone... Another day gone.... Another day gone... I'm ok... I'm ok... I'm ok..
Monday, October 19, 2015
Lab Results
Welp, I just got my labs back from my primary doctor. Apparently my cholesterol is really high, thyroid is suppressed, and my vitamin D3 levels are super low ( I hate milk lol). Regardless. I am being prescribed a medication for my thyroid and my vitaman D3 deficiency. My wonderful doctor told me that my cholesterol levels could be tied in with my thyroid function, so she told me to hold off on attempting medication, and see if the medication for my thyroid will get it lowered. She said in about a year, we will check it again and by then if it hasn't gone down we will need to go the medication route. I've been extremely nervous getting all of this stuff done. People with higher cholesterol are obviously more prone to heart attack or stroke and I would hate to have one at the age of 25.
I feel good knowing that I'm getting these things done but it frustrates me knowing why I've waited til the age of 25 to get all of this done. I grew up in a home where I ate what I ate because there was nothing else to eat; now I'm fighting with myself to eat the same thing that helps me get better. Now I need to start looking for healthier recipes to make at home cholesterol friendly obviously.
I feel like I'm blaming my childhood for everything and granted I understand that I could of done some research and everything however I never knew any of this existed. I never grew up knowing about credit, I only know about it now because bills are being sent to collections left and right. I grew up not knowing what cholesterol was, or thyroid function, or even the basic necessity of brushing your teeth. I am correcting and rewiring my brain rather attempting to rid the course of my life.
It makes me angry to think that there's so many things impacting my health right now that I never knew or was educated about. I was extremely dissociated in school so I do not remember any of this in health class.
Meanwhile, while I am typing this up, I am on google researching the bad cholesterol and what not to eat etc etc.. Well so far, beef is out completely. I can't have fried chicken, or ice cream, or this or that. Fruit... Vegetables I can have, gold fish are out.. I'm gonna finish this pack though lol. Not wasting the 8 dollars we spent on this.
This is going to be so frustrating because this is totally going to fuck with my mental health. My alters absolutely HATE anything not fatty, not covered in unhealthiness. I NEED to get healthy.. I WANT to get healthy. Period. I have to.. if I'm going to survive.
I feel good knowing that I'm getting these things done but it frustrates me knowing why I've waited til the age of 25 to get all of this done. I grew up in a home where I ate what I ate because there was nothing else to eat; now I'm fighting with myself to eat the same thing that helps me get better. Now I need to start looking for healthier recipes to make at home cholesterol friendly obviously.
I feel like I'm blaming my childhood for everything and granted I understand that I could of done some research and everything however I never knew any of this existed. I never grew up knowing about credit, I only know about it now because bills are being sent to collections left and right. I grew up not knowing what cholesterol was, or thyroid function, or even the basic necessity of brushing your teeth. I am correcting and rewiring my brain rather attempting to rid the course of my life.
It makes me angry to think that there's so many things impacting my health right now that I never knew or was educated about. I was extremely dissociated in school so I do not remember any of this in health class.
Meanwhile, while I am typing this up, I am on google researching the bad cholesterol and what not to eat etc etc.. Well so far, beef is out completely. I can't have fried chicken, or ice cream, or this or that. Fruit... Vegetables I can have, gold fish are out.. I'm gonna finish this pack though lol. Not wasting the 8 dollars we spent on this.
This is going to be so frustrating because this is totally going to fuck with my mental health. My alters absolutely HATE anything not fatty, not covered in unhealthiness. I NEED to get healthy.. I WANT to get healthy. Period. I have to.. if I'm going to survive.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
I feel guilty..
So tomorrow will mark the first day of my husband's new job. He's going out into the world and socializing with clients, and staff while I'm stuck at home in my box, where there's no one around for miles. I feel I've been dissociating a lot lately, and losing a lot of time due to Charlie's intended absence.
I understand that at one point he was working and I was not and I'm still here so I obviously made it out okay, but I know that I'm prone to dissociating a lot more by myself. I feel guilty because he has a mentally disabled person to call his wife.
I feel guilty because I can't just go out and get a job, that I'm not bringing anything financially into this household. I feel guilty because yet again I get to sit and watch myself wither away for some unknown reason. Although now, it is a little more known than before. I feel guilty because he loves working with the elderly who are disabled in any way shape or form, and so he does, and then he comes home to me. A hot steaming pile of disabled-ness that's just... not okay with leaving the house by herself.
I feel guilty because naturally the roles switch from both of us cleaning and cooking to me just cleaning and cooking while the man goes out to work. Which is fine.. If the woman was capable of actually cleaning and cooking.. Some days I feel capable and Jaden is out a lot more when I am in higher spirits.
However, considering the fact that my alters are 8/11 debbie downers. A person that is optimistic and happy, doesn't generally want to be around someone that's completely miserable. So why would my positive alters come around more when I have a lot of negative people out controlling my every move.
I also feel guilty because of course more often than not I am unable to eat on my own. I won't cook my own meals, not because we have no food because we have a lot of food, I just won't eat because I already had that this week, or I can't bring myself to do the dishes, I can't manage myself. Which means someone else has to pick up the slack *hint* hint* my husband.
I feel guilty because currently he's doing the dishes and cooking me dinner while I'm sitting here attempting to get a sane mind. I understand how nervous he must be due to the new job and everything in fact I know he is because he told me.
This week ... is going to be insane. I have been dissociating more often in the last week than I have been in the last month compared. This week I have to take a taxi to all 3 of my appointments this week. Two of them is for therapy and another one is for something else. My husband is working pretty much 9-5 all week, so he can't take me. I have to leave the house all by myself, get into some random car with some random person who is taking me to this appointment and then taking me back home afterwards. I swear to god, I am freaking out so much about these appointments.. In the past two years I have rarely left the house on my own. It's very scary for me to do.
I just - Austra's showin' up more tonight than anything else. I can feel her here, wanting to die, wanting to hurt herself.. Wanting to feel pitiful and dark and depressed. Granted, it's not negative for her, it is just for me. She loves this kind of emotion so much so that it's all she ever feels. At least from what I've read in my physical journal.
There's just so much going on right now.. It's hard to imagine how I'm going to deal with this. With all the stress. Like... what is this crap... I'm just done with it..
Really thinking that two appointments a week aren't enough. Then again haven't even tried it yet. But why am I attempting to bail out even before it started? God this is frustrating. I want help, I want to get better, but I just don't see that happening.
I can't handle this stress, I can't handle Charlie going back to work, and I can't handle going to 3 appointments this week BY MYSELF.. I can't ... I just i can't.
I understand that at one point he was working and I was not and I'm still here so I obviously made it out okay, but I know that I'm prone to dissociating a lot more by myself. I feel guilty because he has a mentally disabled person to call his wife.
I feel guilty because I can't just go out and get a job, that I'm not bringing anything financially into this household. I feel guilty because yet again I get to sit and watch myself wither away for some unknown reason. Although now, it is a little more known than before. I feel guilty because he loves working with the elderly who are disabled in any way shape or form, and so he does, and then he comes home to me. A hot steaming pile of disabled-ness that's just... not okay with leaving the house by herself.
I feel guilty because naturally the roles switch from both of us cleaning and cooking to me just cleaning and cooking while the man goes out to work. Which is fine.. If the woman was capable of actually cleaning and cooking.. Some days I feel capable and Jaden is out a lot more when I am in higher spirits.
However, considering the fact that my alters are 8/11 debbie downers. A person that is optimistic and happy, doesn't generally want to be around someone that's completely miserable. So why would my positive alters come around more when I have a lot of negative people out controlling my every move.
I also feel guilty because of course more often than not I am unable to eat on my own. I won't cook my own meals, not because we have no food because we have a lot of food, I just won't eat because I already had that this week, or I can't bring myself to do the dishes, I can't manage myself. Which means someone else has to pick up the slack *hint* hint* my husband.
I feel guilty because currently he's doing the dishes and cooking me dinner while I'm sitting here attempting to get a sane mind. I understand how nervous he must be due to the new job and everything in fact I know he is because he told me.
This week ... is going to be insane. I have been dissociating more often in the last week than I have been in the last month compared. This week I have to take a taxi to all 3 of my appointments this week. Two of them is for therapy and another one is for something else. My husband is working pretty much 9-5 all week, so he can't take me. I have to leave the house all by myself, get into some random car with some random person who is taking me to this appointment and then taking me back home afterwards. I swear to god, I am freaking out so much about these appointments.. In the past two years I have rarely left the house on my own. It's very scary for me to do.
I just - Austra's showin' up more tonight than anything else. I can feel her here, wanting to die, wanting to hurt herself.. Wanting to feel pitiful and dark and depressed. Granted, it's not negative for her, it is just for me. She loves this kind of emotion so much so that it's all she ever feels. At least from what I've read in my physical journal.
There's just so much going on right now.. It's hard to imagine how I'm going to deal with this. With all the stress. Like... what is this crap... I'm just done with it..
Really thinking that two appointments a week aren't enough. Then again haven't even tried it yet. But why am I attempting to bail out even before it started? God this is frustrating. I want help, I want to get better, but I just don't see that happening.
I can't handle this stress, I can't handle Charlie going back to work, and I can't handle going to 3 appointments this week BY MYSELF.. I can't ... I just i can't.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Well Then..
Just a warning to my readers (if there are any lol) this may be a long post as it's covering almost a 6 month period of time, also many other things. Just a warning.
Moving on. I have never been the one to go to the doctor and say there's something wrong with me.. In fact, I've been known to go there and tell them the opposite. Anyway, a year ago or so I finally got fed up after spending time in the hospital due to the inability to walk, stand or do much of anything because of how severe my PTSD was getting due to the rape that happened 4 years before. Anyway, while my back was recovering my mind sort of took a turn for the worst. I was fighting to go back to work, I was tired of sitting at home and accounting for nothing. It was driving me insane. Although, I had a legitimate reason for being out of work I did not want to fall back into the same things I was doing years before.
After the rape it was difficult for me to return to work, it was and still is difficult for me to go out in to public by myself. In the past 2 years all I've done really by myself was go grab coffee with a friend and even THAT was a stretch. There was no exiting the vehicle, there was no collision to speak of.. All that was required of me was to get into the car and put a seat belt on. I was dissociating, this I didn't know at the time but knew long afterwards.
Anyway back to my main point, for the last 5 years I have not been able to reach out for help due to the lack of funds, to the lack of anything that would accommodate the needs that I needed. I wouldn't admit it back then probably because an alter of mine was out and saying hello to the world. It's weird because I can experience something and forget it 5 seconds later. This of course is due to the dissociation.
To think that I had gotten away unscathed from my childhood, was a huge problem when this all began. In November of last year I had asked my biological father how much participation he wanted in my wedding. He was nervous, as was I, and nothing will ever excuse him running away like a little girl. However, this set off a chain reaction inside my brain, and my alters sort of came to life.
I was living in a small space between my bed and a bookcase for the entity of December, not speaking, only getting up to go to the bathroom, or to smoke a cigarette. I had no idea what was wrong with me and nearly lost my fiance because of this. I was confused and distraught as I love my soon to be husband but could feel the tension growing and our closeness dwindling. It was a very scary time for me.
I had a friend that I was in contact with for some time who brought up a disorder that intrigued me but at the same time scared me. There was a part of me that knew, a part of me that always knew that what I've been experiencing my whole life wasn't real. It was not even close to real. I remember awhile back after I had lost a family dog, my first time I dissociated, at least in my recollection. I kept telling myself "I feel like I'm living in a movie, it's like I'm not even here"
I never knew what this meant, but everything started to make more sense in the more research I was conducting. Dissociative Identity Disorder, is a very serious mental illness. Often it stems from childhood trauma, I can't necessarily pinpoint the trauma as I do not remember much from my childhood or much of my life.
My alters have always came out and told everyone things, that I feel are not true, however I'm beginning to realize maybe there's some truth behind these words. I mean no one in their right mind would put it past the parental figures I've had. One of my alters even went to the extent of telling a friend that I was sexually molested, when I was eleven years old.
Again I cannot put this trauma past my parents, or extended parents. It's saddening and tears me a part. I know that I can't recall unicorns and rainbows, and wouldn't likely believe that I grew up with them, but to believe that I've had such a traumatizing past isn't really believable either.
I went to a chiropractor back in September last year, and he did the exam, made me lift one leg and cough and told me that this wasn't a physical pain that I was having. I didn't understand him then at least not as much as I do now. Months followed and I began swimming deep within my own emotions, within my own self, and often didn't feel the connections of every day life. Sometimes on an daily basis now, it is hard to tell what is real and what is not real.
I started with one therapist who sent me "upstairs" to the behavioral health section of the medical clinic, because I was on the verge of a manic episode due to being up for more than 24 hours. I went up there and met some of the most disgusting people I've ever met. I wouldn't know this until many months down the line but that isn't the point here.
I was done bull shitting myself into thinking that everything was okay. I knew something was wrong and at this point I knew I needed to get help. I mean for god's sake I'm getting married next August in 2016. If I didn't try to fix myself before I got married what kind of marriage would we really have?
I stopped seeing that first therapist, and got transferred permanently upstairs. I had gotten with a male therapist who seemed really nice at first but then i started forgetting appointments, forgetting that I was there, what my therapist name was. I began forgetting what we had talked about, that I even had therapy right after I left. I was seeing something along the lines of a psychiatrist, who tried to put me on some medication for night mares, and well... anti-depressants, but things took a turn for the worst when we found out that I'm very sensitive to medication.
I started failing school because of how much of an air head I was. I had multiple night mares even though I was on a medication that was supposed to prevent it. Gruesome nightmares of animals being brutally murdered in front me, nightmares about my loved ones being killed in some way. Whether or not this was a fear, or not. It was still pretty traumatizing.
I was in the midst of applying for disability getting ready for my appointment, so I had requested my medical records to go over the information that is being sent, and making sure the doctors knew exactly what was wrong. If I had missed something, if i needed to speak up or something i needed to know. I swam through my medical records, and every one that I had seen, every one that I had poured my deepest secrets to, my flaws, everything that is extremely private, and secure within myself... believed that I was malingering, that I was lying... to get out of going to work. By then I had 11 alters in total.
My question is why can't I just fake a broken leg? Or something so much smaller than all of this. How could someone just wake up with multiple personalities, and not remember a day in their life. I was infuriated. I know that I have heard horror stories about people and their therapists, and everything else but I guess that it would never happen to me.
But it did.. Austra was as strong and dominant as ever, and the next thing I remember was waking up or coming to.. with cuts on my wrist. It was a scary time for me as well because at that point in time where the hell else was I going to turn. Where else was I going to go if they don't believe me who is going to.
I mean I know that they must deal with A LOT of crazy people, but do they not realize that i'm not bull shitting anyone? It's a very scary diagnosis I understand, it's a very scary illness to have, and to experience. I mean to wake up next to your husband and not have any idea who he is... That's pretty scary .. I'm just saying..
Anyway, after that whole incident I didn't really know what to do so I sort of skipped out on therapy for a couple months. Of course the dissociation got really bad, and it came down to the point where I was crying in a corner near the shower and wouldn't let charlie near me. I kept screaming, and every time he tried to come close to me I would scream and tell him not to touch me. It even came down to another point of Jada destroying my laptop. She snapped it half, tore off all the keys, and smashed the screen.
This was all very scary and I knew I needed to find a new therapist.. SO I did. Although he was extremely expensive, and way out of our budget. However, my grandmother thought it be best so she sent me some money to go to him. I remember him telling me I dissociated once, in the short time that I've seen him. I'm assuming it was Austra because he said that whoever was out had an extremely negative attitude and a poor outlook on life.
He also said that Remi, came out afterwards. He told me that it seemed like Remi was attempting to make up for Austra's behavior. He also said it was quite interesting to see a switch as he has never worked with someone with full blown multiple personalities.
I saw him a few more times, before money just got super tight and I couldn't go and see him any longer.
About a week ago I had gotten on medicaid and sore to myself I'd find a therapist, as the therapist I just had was not able to take medicaid. I began making phone calls and getting really worried that I would have to go back to the health care center because of the whole experience I had had before.
I had no intention of going back. But then again all of our plans never work out.
I had called some random phone number on google, and found this person answering the phone saying the person I was attempting to reach no longer worked for the company; however she was willing to work with me. She did not have a lot of experience with dissociation but had some basic training, so that was kind of a plus.
She told me that she worked for that health care center and I grew worried as I had no intention of returning there. She convinced me otherwise.
I had my first appointment today, and it went interestingly. She had taken out a scroll of blank paper, and had me write down all of my alters names, their personality traits and anything I knew about them. I was able to sit down with her and explain all of this. She did mention how creative I must have been because she hadn't heard of a lot of names that my alters carry. Which i found interesting.
This is where this post is going to come to an end as it is getting super long. So I will end here, and hope for a better tomorrow. It's Friday tomorrow and husband and I are going to a concert. His parents purchased concert tickets for my birthday so I am super excited. I will attempt to post another time finishing my first therapy appointment. however! This is where I leave you.
Keep in mind, I may post triggering, inappropriate things because I need to remember every detail.. Maybe not EVERY detail but something.. And also online.. because of some past experience I can't remember, I'm sure. Until we see each other again. Good Day.
Moving on. I have never been the one to go to the doctor and say there's something wrong with me.. In fact, I've been known to go there and tell them the opposite. Anyway, a year ago or so I finally got fed up after spending time in the hospital due to the inability to walk, stand or do much of anything because of how severe my PTSD was getting due to the rape that happened 4 years before. Anyway, while my back was recovering my mind sort of took a turn for the worst. I was fighting to go back to work, I was tired of sitting at home and accounting for nothing. It was driving me insane. Although, I had a legitimate reason for being out of work I did not want to fall back into the same things I was doing years before.
After the rape it was difficult for me to return to work, it was and still is difficult for me to go out in to public by myself. In the past 2 years all I've done really by myself was go grab coffee with a friend and even THAT was a stretch. There was no exiting the vehicle, there was no collision to speak of.. All that was required of me was to get into the car and put a seat belt on. I was dissociating, this I didn't know at the time but knew long afterwards.
Anyway back to my main point, for the last 5 years I have not been able to reach out for help due to the lack of funds, to the lack of anything that would accommodate the needs that I needed. I wouldn't admit it back then probably because an alter of mine was out and saying hello to the world. It's weird because I can experience something and forget it 5 seconds later. This of course is due to the dissociation.
To think that I had gotten away unscathed from my childhood, was a huge problem when this all began. In November of last year I had asked my biological father how much participation he wanted in my wedding. He was nervous, as was I, and nothing will ever excuse him running away like a little girl. However, this set off a chain reaction inside my brain, and my alters sort of came to life.
I was living in a small space between my bed and a bookcase for the entity of December, not speaking, only getting up to go to the bathroom, or to smoke a cigarette. I had no idea what was wrong with me and nearly lost my fiance because of this. I was confused and distraught as I love my soon to be husband but could feel the tension growing and our closeness dwindling. It was a very scary time for me.
I had a friend that I was in contact with for some time who brought up a disorder that intrigued me but at the same time scared me. There was a part of me that knew, a part of me that always knew that what I've been experiencing my whole life wasn't real. It was not even close to real. I remember awhile back after I had lost a family dog, my first time I dissociated, at least in my recollection. I kept telling myself "I feel like I'm living in a movie, it's like I'm not even here"
I never knew what this meant, but everything started to make more sense in the more research I was conducting. Dissociative Identity Disorder, is a very serious mental illness. Often it stems from childhood trauma, I can't necessarily pinpoint the trauma as I do not remember much from my childhood or much of my life.
My alters have always came out and told everyone things, that I feel are not true, however I'm beginning to realize maybe there's some truth behind these words. I mean no one in their right mind would put it past the parental figures I've had. One of my alters even went to the extent of telling a friend that I was sexually molested, when I was eleven years old.
Again I cannot put this trauma past my parents, or extended parents. It's saddening and tears me a part. I know that I can't recall unicorns and rainbows, and wouldn't likely believe that I grew up with them, but to believe that I've had such a traumatizing past isn't really believable either.
I went to a chiropractor back in September last year, and he did the exam, made me lift one leg and cough and told me that this wasn't a physical pain that I was having. I didn't understand him then at least not as much as I do now. Months followed and I began swimming deep within my own emotions, within my own self, and often didn't feel the connections of every day life. Sometimes on an daily basis now, it is hard to tell what is real and what is not real.
I started with one therapist who sent me "upstairs" to the behavioral health section of the medical clinic, because I was on the verge of a manic episode due to being up for more than 24 hours. I went up there and met some of the most disgusting people I've ever met. I wouldn't know this until many months down the line but that isn't the point here.
I was done bull shitting myself into thinking that everything was okay. I knew something was wrong and at this point I knew I needed to get help. I mean for god's sake I'm getting married next August in 2016. If I didn't try to fix myself before I got married what kind of marriage would we really have?
I stopped seeing that first therapist, and got transferred permanently upstairs. I had gotten with a male therapist who seemed really nice at first but then i started forgetting appointments, forgetting that I was there, what my therapist name was. I began forgetting what we had talked about, that I even had therapy right after I left. I was seeing something along the lines of a psychiatrist, who tried to put me on some medication for night mares, and well... anti-depressants, but things took a turn for the worst when we found out that I'm very sensitive to medication.
I started failing school because of how much of an air head I was. I had multiple night mares even though I was on a medication that was supposed to prevent it. Gruesome nightmares of animals being brutally murdered in front me, nightmares about my loved ones being killed in some way. Whether or not this was a fear, or not. It was still pretty traumatizing.
I was in the midst of applying for disability getting ready for my appointment, so I had requested my medical records to go over the information that is being sent, and making sure the doctors knew exactly what was wrong. If I had missed something, if i needed to speak up or something i needed to know. I swam through my medical records, and every one that I had seen, every one that I had poured my deepest secrets to, my flaws, everything that is extremely private, and secure within myself... believed that I was malingering, that I was lying... to get out of going to work. By then I had 11 alters in total.
My question is why can't I just fake a broken leg? Or something so much smaller than all of this. How could someone just wake up with multiple personalities, and not remember a day in their life. I was infuriated. I know that I have heard horror stories about people and their therapists, and everything else but I guess that it would never happen to me.
But it did.. Austra was as strong and dominant as ever, and the next thing I remember was waking up or coming to.. with cuts on my wrist. It was a scary time for me as well because at that point in time where the hell else was I going to turn. Where else was I going to go if they don't believe me who is going to.
I mean I know that they must deal with A LOT of crazy people, but do they not realize that i'm not bull shitting anyone? It's a very scary diagnosis I understand, it's a very scary illness to have, and to experience. I mean to wake up next to your husband and not have any idea who he is... That's pretty scary .. I'm just saying..
Anyway, after that whole incident I didn't really know what to do so I sort of skipped out on therapy for a couple months. Of course the dissociation got really bad, and it came down to the point where I was crying in a corner near the shower and wouldn't let charlie near me. I kept screaming, and every time he tried to come close to me I would scream and tell him not to touch me. It even came down to another point of Jada destroying my laptop. She snapped it half, tore off all the keys, and smashed the screen.
This was all very scary and I knew I needed to find a new therapist.. SO I did. Although he was extremely expensive, and way out of our budget. However, my grandmother thought it be best so she sent me some money to go to him. I remember him telling me I dissociated once, in the short time that I've seen him. I'm assuming it was Austra because he said that whoever was out had an extremely negative attitude and a poor outlook on life.
He also said that Remi, came out afterwards. He told me that it seemed like Remi was attempting to make up for Austra's behavior. He also said it was quite interesting to see a switch as he has never worked with someone with full blown multiple personalities.
I saw him a few more times, before money just got super tight and I couldn't go and see him any longer.
About a week ago I had gotten on medicaid and sore to myself I'd find a therapist, as the therapist I just had was not able to take medicaid. I began making phone calls and getting really worried that I would have to go back to the health care center because of the whole experience I had had before.
I had no intention of going back. But then again all of our plans never work out.
I had called some random phone number on google, and found this person answering the phone saying the person I was attempting to reach no longer worked for the company; however she was willing to work with me. She did not have a lot of experience with dissociation but had some basic training, so that was kind of a plus.
She told me that she worked for that health care center and I grew worried as I had no intention of returning there. She convinced me otherwise.
I had my first appointment today, and it went interestingly. She had taken out a scroll of blank paper, and had me write down all of my alters names, their personality traits and anything I knew about them. I was able to sit down with her and explain all of this. She did mention how creative I must have been because she hadn't heard of a lot of names that my alters carry. Which i found interesting.
This is where this post is going to come to an end as it is getting super long. So I will end here, and hope for a better tomorrow. It's Friday tomorrow and husband and I are going to a concert. His parents purchased concert tickets for my birthday so I am super excited. I will attempt to post another time finishing my first therapy appointment. however! This is where I leave you.
Keep in mind, I may post triggering, inappropriate things because I need to remember every detail.. Maybe not EVERY detail but something.. And also online.. because of some past experience I can't remember, I'm sure. Until we see each other again. Good Day.
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