Well Then..

Just a warning to my readers (if there are any lol) this may be a long post as it's covering almost a 6 month period of time, also many other things. Just a warning.

Moving on. I have never been the one to go to the doctor and say there's something wrong with me.. In fact, I've been known to go there and tell them the opposite. Anyway, a year ago or so I finally got fed up after spending time in the hospital due to the inability to walk, stand or do much of anything because of how severe my PTSD was getting due to the rape that happened 4 years before. Anyway, while my back was recovering my mind sort of took a turn for the worst. I was fighting to go back to work, I was tired of sitting at home and accounting for nothing. It was driving me insane. Although, I had a legitimate reason for being out of work I did not want to fall back into the same things I was doing years before.

After the rape it was difficult for me to return to work, it was and still is difficult for me to go out in to public by myself. In the past 2 years all I've done really by myself was go grab coffee with a friend and even THAT was a stretch. There was no exiting the vehicle, there was no collision to speak of.. All that was required of me was to get into the car and put a seat belt on. I was dissociating, this I didn't know at the time but knew long afterwards.

Anyway back to my main point, for the last 5 years I have not been able to reach out for help due to the lack of funds, to the lack of anything that would accommodate the needs that I needed. I wouldn't admit it back then probably because an alter of mine was out and saying hello to the world. It's weird because I can experience something and forget it 5 seconds later. This of course is due to the dissociation.

To think that I had gotten away unscathed from my childhood, was a huge problem when this all began. In November of last year I had asked my biological father how much participation he wanted in my wedding. He was nervous, as was I, and nothing will ever excuse him running away like a little girl. However, this set off a chain reaction inside my brain, and my alters sort of came to life.

I was living in a small space between my bed and a bookcase for the entity of December, not speaking, only getting up to go to the bathroom, or to smoke a cigarette. I had no idea what was wrong with me and nearly lost my fiance because of this. I was confused and distraught as I love my soon to be husband but could feel the tension growing and our closeness dwindling. It was a very scary time for me.

I had a friend that I was in contact with for some time who brought up a disorder that intrigued me but at the same time scared me. There was a part of me that knew, a part of me that always knew that what I've been experiencing my whole life wasn't real. It was not even close to real. I remember awhile back after I had lost a family dog, my first time I dissociated, at least in my recollection. I kept telling myself "I feel like I'm living in a movie, it's like I'm not even here"

I never knew what this meant, but everything started to make more sense in the more research I was conducting. Dissociative Identity Disorder, is a very serious mental illness. Often it stems from childhood trauma, I can't necessarily pinpoint the trauma as I do not remember much from my childhood or much of my life.

My alters have always came out and told everyone things, that I feel are not true, however I'm beginning to realize maybe there's some truth behind these words. I mean no one in their right mind would put it past the parental figures I've had. One of my alters even went to the extent of telling a friend that I was sexually molested, when I was eleven years old.

Again I cannot put this trauma past my parents, or extended parents. It's saddening and tears me a part. I know that I can't recall unicorns and rainbows, and wouldn't likely believe that I grew up with them, but to believe that I've had such a traumatizing past isn't really believable either.

I went to  a chiropractor back in September last year, and he did the exam, made me lift one leg and cough and told me that this wasn't a physical pain that I was having. I didn't understand him then at least not as much as I do now. Months followed and I began swimming deep within my own emotions, within my own self, and often didn't feel the connections of every day life. Sometimes on an daily basis now, it is hard to tell what is real and what is not real.

I started with one therapist who sent me "upstairs" to the behavioral health section of the medical clinic, because I was on the verge of a manic episode due to being up for more than 24 hours. I went up there and met some of the most disgusting people I've ever met. I wouldn't know this until many months down the line but that isn't the point here.

I was done bull shitting myself into thinking that everything was okay. I knew something was wrong and at this point I knew I needed to get help. I mean for god's sake I'm getting married next August in 2016. If I didn't try to fix myself before I got married what kind of marriage would we really have?

I stopped seeing that first therapist, and got transferred permanently upstairs. I had gotten with a male therapist who seemed really nice at first but then i started forgetting appointments, forgetting that I was there, what my therapist name was. I began forgetting what we had talked about, that I even had therapy right after I left. I was seeing something along the lines of a psychiatrist, who tried to put me on some medication for night mares, and well... anti-depressants, but things took a turn for the worst when we found out that I'm very sensitive to medication.

I started failing school because of how much of an air head I was. I had multiple night mares even though I was on a medication that was supposed to prevent it. Gruesome nightmares of animals being brutally murdered in front me, nightmares about my loved ones being killed in some way. Whether or not this was a fear, or not. It was still pretty traumatizing.

I was in the midst of applying for disability getting ready for my appointment, so I had requested my medical records to go over the information that is being sent, and making sure the doctors knew exactly what was wrong. If I had missed something, if i needed to speak up or something i needed to know. I swam through my medical records, and every one that I had seen, every one that I had poured my deepest secrets to, my flaws, everything that is extremely private, and secure within myself... believed that I was malingering, that I was lying... to get out of going to work. By then I had 11 alters in total.

My question is why can't I just fake a broken leg? Or something so much smaller than all of this. How could someone just wake up with multiple personalities, and not remember a day in their life. I was infuriated. I know that I have heard horror stories about people and their therapists, and everything else but I guess that it would never happen to me.

But it did.. Austra was as strong and dominant as ever, and the next thing I remember was waking up or coming to.. with cuts on my wrist. It was a scary time for me as well because at that point in time where the hell else was I going to turn. Where else was I going to go if they don't believe me who is going to.

I mean I know that they must deal with A LOT of crazy people, but do they not realize that i'm not bull shitting anyone? It's a very scary diagnosis I understand, it's a very scary illness to have, and to experience. I mean to wake up next to your husband and not have any idea who he is... That's pretty scary .. I'm just saying..

Anyway, after that whole incident I didn't really know what to do so I sort of skipped out on therapy for a couple months. Of course the dissociation got really bad, and it came down to the point where I was crying in a corner near the shower and wouldn't let charlie near me. I kept screaming, and every time he tried to come close to me I would scream and tell him not to touch me. It even came down to another point of Jada destroying my laptop. She snapped it half, tore off all the keys, and smashed the screen.

This was all very scary and I knew I needed to find a new therapist.. SO  I did. Although he was extremely expensive, and way out of our budget. However, my grandmother thought it be best so she sent me some money to go to him. I remember him telling me I dissociated once, in the short time that I've seen him. I'm assuming it was Austra because he said that whoever was out had an extremely negative attitude and a poor outlook on life.

He also said that Remi, came out afterwards. He told me that it seemed like Remi was attempting to make up for Austra's behavior. He also said it was quite interesting to see a switch as he has never worked with someone with full blown multiple personalities.

I saw him a few more times, before money just got super tight and I couldn't go and see him any longer.

About a week ago I had gotten on medicaid and sore to myself I'd find a therapist, as the therapist I just had was not able to take medicaid. I began making phone calls and getting really worried that I would have to go back to the health care center because of the whole experience I had had before.

I had no intention of going back. But then again all of our plans never work out.

I had called some random phone number on google, and found this person answering the phone saying the person I was attempting to reach no longer worked for the company; however she was willing to work with me. She did not have a lot of experience with dissociation but had some basic training, so that was kind of a plus.

She told me that she worked for that health care center and I grew worried as I had no intention of returning there. She convinced me otherwise.

I had my first appointment today, and it went interestingly. She had taken out a scroll of blank paper, and had me write down all of my alters names, their personality traits and anything I knew about them. I was able to sit down with her and explain all of this. She did mention how creative I must have been because she hadn't heard of a lot of names that my alters carry. Which i found interesting.

This is where this post is going to come to an end as it is getting super long. So I will end here, and hope for a better tomorrow. It's Friday tomorrow and husband and I are going to a concert. His parents purchased concert tickets for my birthday so I am super excited. I will attempt to post another time finishing my first therapy appointment. however! This is where I leave you.

Keep in mind, I may post triggering, inappropriate things because I need to remember every detail.. Maybe not EVERY detail but something.. And also online.. because of some past experience I can't remember, I'm sure. Until we see each other again. Good Day.